Hopping on the Baby Train...Again!

I feel like half of my adult life has been trying to have a baby. After everything happened this summer I was feeling unbelievably defeated. I felt broken. About 2 weeks after the transfer, we found out the test was negative and about a week after that my period came. It last almost a week and a half. Worst cramps ever and lots of spotting afterwards. I never really thought much of it. Just that my body had been through so much and this was it's way of flushing it out.

Fast forward through November and December -- I never got a period. While this is something I always wished for, I was starting to freak out a little. I went to the gynecologist in January and she prescribed Provera. It started my period right away. She also did an ultrasound and everything looked fine.

February went by without anything then I got my period again the beginning of March. Not that anyone really cares about my cycles, but being fairly regular, this has weighed heavy on my mind. What the heck was going on?

My gynecologist suggested we get a second fertility opinion and, if anything, get answers as to why my cycles are going crazy. So here I am, right back at the beginning.

March 21, 2016

• Blood Tests
• Ultrasound- nurse said I was going to ovulate. Lining was about a 5.
• Met doctor for the first time and discussed a plan of action.- I left feeling really good. He said he wanted to try a less invasive approach to really see what is not working. I am actually really excited.

TIMELINE PLAN

1. Start Prenatal, CoQ10, and D3

    Nick start motility vitamin

    Nick go for semen analysis

2. Go in for ultrasound 1 week later to check for ovulation

3. Wait for period

4. Call with period to set up an office hysteroscopy

5. Day 3 of period- go for blood work

6. Day 4- Start Letrozole 2.5mg AM & PM (days 4-8)

7. Day 13- have sex

8. Day 14- ultrasound and post-coital test, consider insemination

9. Complete IVF orientation

10. Check into injectables 

March 28, 2016

• Blood Tests
• Ultrasound showed I ovulated and doctor predicts 22-23, lining was 7
• Progesterone was low- started progesterone AM & PM for 8 days
• Nick- completed semen analysis (nurse said it was "good")

Flashback Friday- Baby Journey Part 2

|| Embryo Transfer ||

Sometimes I think about the things Nick and I have been through to have a baby and I find it remarkable. I know there are some who go through so much more and for that my heart breaks.

Well, I made it through another school year. My baby turned one. And all was right with the world. Nick and I decided July was our month to transfer. Got my period at the end of June, called the doctor, and was told, "sorry you will have to wait to August because he is going out of the country for the rest of the month for vacation." I was freaking annoyed. (Red Flag #1)

Waited another month, got my period. Period was pretty light which was unusual but seriously I did. not. care. Called the doctor and started an Embryo Transfer cycle. I went in for day 3 blood tests and ultrasound and was given a prescription for all my meds. I was on injectable estrogen, baby aspirin, prenatal, and folic acid. If all went as planned my transfer would take place on August 14. During my visit, I also found out the main nurse who basically ran the office left. (Red Flag #2)

After about a week of being on the estrogen I went in to get my lining check. It was at about 3mm and needed to be at an 8-9mm. This was really bad news. And just like that the transfer was canceled until this progressed. (Red Flag #3) My estrogen scheduled was changed from every 3 days to every 2.

I went for another check a few days later and once again no change. Nothing. Nada. ZERO! (Red Flag #4) The Dr decided to mix it up and prescribed Viagra and Neupogen.

I went again for a check and was at 4mm. At this point the Dr. tried to explain how my lining was like "dead grass" and it needed to be fertilized in order to grow. It may take time and we just needed to be patient. OH and since it wasn't check with my originally blood test they decided to check my estrogen levels. (Why wasn't this done originally? Red Flag #5)

Shit basically hit the fan at this point. my levels were sky high. To the point the Dr was very concerned. I had to stop all meds and my levels were checked about every 3 days for 4 weeks. If that didn't piss me off. Each week I noticed the nurse was questioning me and the amount of estrogen I was taking. Basically, I messed up. - (Note: I am human and I make mistakes all the time. I can 99.9% say that when it comes to medication and medication I am injecting I made pretty damn sure I am giving myself the right amount to begin with.) (Red Flag #6-7)

At the end of September 2015, I went in for an ultrasound. By some sort of miracle my lining was 7mm enough for a transfer. I went back on the estrogen and followed the same dosage as previously told to me on the sheet of paper. We were so excited.

Now, let me just say, when people treat you like your are an idiot you feel like an idiot. When someone makes you feel like you did something wrong, no matter what, you are going to feel like you are screwing up. On September 24 we went in for our transfer. Two embryos from our original batch.

Do you see the Red Flags mentioned earlier in the post??? Well that was what was on my mind. I was stressed and frustrated.

I tried very hard to get in a good place.

I laid on the table. The Dr was frustrated with the nurse so they were bickering. The nurse couldn't get the ultrasound in the right place and because of where she stood Nick had to stand so far away he wasn't even next to me. As I watch the little embryos get sucked up into the catheter the nurse decided this was a great time to ask me how much estrogen was I taking. WHAT?!?!? FREAKING PISSED. That is what I felt in that moment. I told her I was taking the 1cc listed on the sheet.

Then she told the Dr. and they both basically start yelling at me that I was to be taking half the amount. And didn't I learn anything from the past few months. REALLY PISSED. -- on the table... I was on the table. Not 2 minutes from having 2 embryos placed in me.

It was an emotional 2 week wait that ended up with a negative pregnancy test. We were devastated to say the least. We (I) tried very hard to accept that we may only be a family of 3 but always question if there is anything else we can do. At the beginning of the new year (2016), we decided to seek a second opinion and made an appointment with a new fertility doctor. I have to say I am a little excited to just have some answers.

Flashback Friday- Baby Journey Part 1

When I was taking my graduate course one of my professors always said sometimes you need to take a step back in order to move forward. 

One of the reasons I stayed away from this blog was because I felt like I lost the chance to share. Time went by and retelling something that happened so long ago felt wrong. I even actually thought about starting a whole new blog.

After realizing this was completely insane, I decided this is MY place and this is who I am. I can do what ever I want with this. So, for a little while I am going to jump back into time on Fridays and share some of the things that have happened over the past year.

Baby Journey

Back in November 2014 I share our story of miscarriage. Unexpected pregnancy and with unexpected loss. You can read that post here.

In January 2015, I started to write the post below...

Oh the joys of baby making or lack there of. Since mid-November we have been on the roller coaster of dealing with a miscarriage. Getting pregnant naturally was unexpected but the miscarriage was shocking. Emotionally draining, I hoped this time having a planned D&C would make coping with everything easier. Unfortunately this was not the case.

The miscarriage ended up being a little worse then we originally thought, After the D&C, I went in for a post-op. Pieces of the placenta never naturally expelled. The doctor tried to take it out right there in the office but being pretty painful decided to give it another week. 

Another week went by. At this appointment, pieces were still in my uterus and at this point had to be removed to prevent infection and damage. The doctor numbed me up, dilated me, and tried again. This time a little more aggressively. Not fun at all!! He was able to get some more out and sent it to be tested.

About a week later, the beginning of December, I received a call from the nurse. The sample tested showed inflammation. This meant another D&C would have to be done. This surgery was so much more painful than the first.

I went for another post-op. During this visit the ultrasound showed the doctor was able to get everything. He said it was very difficult and was happy he had the ultrasound machine in the operation room. D&Cs are very hard on the uterus but having more than one only weeks apart is terrible. The concern is the build up of scar tissue which could make it hard to carry a baby in the future. The doctor decided to perform a hysteroscopy. This is a test where a scope is placed into the uterus to check out the lining. It can be slightly painful and since I have a pretty low pain tolerance we decided it would be done with some anesthesia. 

For about a month, I was on estrogen, antibiotic, then on the last week progesterone only.  

Post-Miscarriage..  

After the miscarriage, I went through pretty bad depression. I struggled to be in a place that was happy and content.  I struggled to be a good mom emotionally for Harper. Many nights I held her and just cried. It was so unfair to her. Their was also wall of tension between my husband and I that Nick was constantly trying to knock down.

At a certain point something shifted and I finally had control of my heart again. I can't really explained what happened but I was able to move forward. Nick and I decided to think about pregnancy again in the summer of 2015 and move on with the embryo transfer that we had planned on doing since the beginning. In the mean time, I decided to focus on myself, my husband, and my baby.

Miscarriage

I struggled with deciding if this was a post I needed to share. It captures nothing but real life heartbreak and grief. In the end, I decided I needed to do this for myself. If you have experienced anything like this hopefully you can relate to my experience.

October 11, 2014

Isn't life funny??? You can spend years trying to do something, get something, or be someone and the moment you throw your hands up and say "screw it, I just don't care"...it happens.

Ever since I had Harper my period cycles have been irregular. One month it would be 30 days and the next I'm waiting 34-36. The longer months play a trick on your mind. During these months you think...Am I pregnant?? It would never fail, on day 35, I would take a test and every month it would say NOT PREGNANT in huge letters. Disappointed??...no not really. Although Nick and I have been trying, we are SO happy and content with our little peanut. Things are awesome and our plan is to do a frozen transfer in June.

Well, here I am, in that longer month. I decided I am not going to let this long cycle play mind games with me. I took the test early, ready to see the NOT PREGNANT, and move on with my life. Woke up Saturday, about to get in the shower, and peed on the last test. The water wouldn't warm up so I took a look at the test....PREGNANT!! (OMG!) How did this happen? I mean I know how it happened. I guess I just didn't think it was possible. I picked up two more tests, of course, just to make sure and both came out in bright blue plus signs.

Nick and I are seriously shocked...cautiously optimistic...and a little nervous. We are planners and have had the luxury of doing a lot of planning when it came to the timing of our baby girl. This is very interesting; so, as I sit here writing I am still trying to wrap my head around it.

Nick and I decided to stay with our fertility specialist for the first trimester again since we aren't sure how things are going to go. We will be monitored a lot closer here with regular ultrasounds. My first appointment was on October 13th. They did a blood test. Beta levels were 314 (the nurse said this was perfect) and my progesterone was 29.

Next Appointment: October 22nd- bloodwork and ultrasound

Still can't believe this!!!

October 22, 2014

We had an ultrasound and blood test today. I am still very shocked about this pregnancy so I went into the ultrasound pretty much not knowing what I was going to see. The nurse said based on my last period my due date would be June 17th and put me at about 6 weeks.

The ultrasound didn't show much of the actual baby but we saw the sac in the correct place (in the uterus) and the yolk was also visible. The doctor said everything looked very earlier but right where things should be. My blood test number came back HCG 5236. Our nurse said this was great.

October 29, 2014

We had another ultrasound today. I told the doctor and nurse I didn't have any symptoms SO I was having a hard time believing that I was pregnant. Well, once the doctor started the ultrasound it wasn't too long before the doctor was saying,  "well, my dear....believe it!" There, on the screen, was a little blip. It was a heart beat. Still so tiny. The heartbeat was 119 which the doctor said was great. They usually look for over 100. I was originally thought to be 7 weeks but based on the size the doctor changed my progression to 6 weeks and made my new due date June 25th.

Everything looked excellent and the doctor said to come back in two weeks for another check. : )

November 12, 2014

We had another ultrasound today. The doctor came in, began the ultrasound, and on the screen I saw what looked like a blob. In my mind I stared thinking at what was suppose to be 8 weeks. It wasn't very developed. The doctor began to do some measurements and I stared hard looking for the little blip of a heartbeat. He measured the baby and it said 7 weeks 1 day. At that point I knew.

The doctor apologizes. "I'm sorry hun. There's no heartbeat." My hearts stops and nothing really holds back the tears. He says this is natures way of of taking care of something that is not developing properly. My mind filled with a million thoughts. One being...I can't believe this is happening again. Why would God do this to us??Another being...God blessed us with a perfect beautiful baby girl. That should be enough. And yet another...how do I apologize to my husband enough about this...feeling like this was all my fault.

We went to pre-admission and set up a D&E that would be completed the following day. We had a choice of waiting or having the procedure but I had already experienced my body taking care of a miscarriage the first time and it was the most physically and emotionally painful event of my life. We also decided to go with the procedure because we wanted to have testing done to see if there was a chromosomal abnormality that would be causing the miscarriage in a natural pregnancy. 

November 13, 2014

At 7:30 we went to the hospital. Got checked in. Went into surgery at 9:00.  And all was said and done by 9:05. ...that was the end. 

What I have learned about miscarriage is, if you have never experienced it, you never understand the true feeling. Sure, people think it's really sad...they try to comfort you...give you the "awwww" but it really sounds like a gentle "better luck next time" or "at least it was still early."

This is the truth and this is what I want the reader to understand. Miscarriage f-ing sucks. I am confused, sad, frustrated, disappointed, guilty, and frankly REALLY pissed. I just had the most amazing highs and joys of being pregnant and the excruciating pain of loss in a matter of weeks. It honestly feels like I lost a piece of myself. I feel empty. And in moments when the room is quiet, I start thinking about the future. What does this mean for our family?  

I have the most amazing little girl. She is our MIRACLE! I love her with every part of my being and I thank God every single day for her. Being a mother is everything to me and absolutely nothing has changed there. There is that question, which now hangs over my head,...will this be my only child?? Time will tell but when that choice to have children is not exactly in your hands and not something you can control it changes you. It makes you realize that you can't take the miracle of pregnancy for granted and frustrates you when people do. 

Nick and I have been blessed with many people in our lives that show us amazing support and we feel incredibly blessed. Without these friends and family...support system...the healing would be so much harder. For that we are GRATEFUL!

Day by day things will get easier. We are so thankful for all of our blessings and pray that we get answers very soon. 

Baby Bump Pictures

I finally put together all of my baby belly pictures. It is amazing what a transformation your body makes. Being pregnant for me was the best feeling in the world. I remember the first few weeks we were home from the hospital crying because I missed that feeling of a baby inside of me. 

Now my little Harper-doodle lays on my belly. I get to snuggle her as she smiles at me and I LOVE it even more!!

Baby Bump Video

Mail Call

Take a look at what came in the mail yesterday.

.

Lupron, Follistim, HCG, and Progesterone. The needles shown are for the Progesterone Oil and HCG.
Not Shown: Needles for the Lupron 

This is the needle (pen) used for the Follistim.

HOLY SHITBALLS!! This is the one that freaks me out!!!

Medication Ordered

My IVF meds are ORDERED. They should be arriving Friday. One step closer...

Nick and I were thinking the medication would be about $3000 and planned on not having any insurance coverage. I called today and gave the pharmacist all of  my information...she called me back a couple hours with the total. It's going to be (drum roll please)...$712.19.

Sounds like a lot but it is a HELL of a lot less than 3000. The awesome nurse at the practice gave us a $300 coupon for the Follistim and the Lupron was covered by insurance. I am seriously shocked. I just wonder if there will be more medication to order in the future or if all meds are ordered at one time????

Anyway, at this point it is all about the little things. Now, I am going to sit back, have a beverage, and enjoy the awesome weather we have been having. CHEERS!

Calendar Set

I received my calendar in the mail yesterday which isn't really a calendar but more like an outline of dates and things I need to do.

• Period started 3/29: use barrier contraception from this point forward and begin taking Pre-Natal Vitamin and 4mg of Folic Acid.
• Call nurse by 4/11 to order IVF medication from pharmacy
• Schedule a pregnancy test in the office for 4/18
• Begin Lupron 20 units once daily on 4/18:  continue this until instructed to stop. 
• Make appointment for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork with the nurse/doctor before 10 am for 5/3: a new calendar will be given this day

Tentative Retrieval is schedule for the week of 5/14: an exact date will be given when I start medication to stimulate my ovaries

Embryo Transfer is scheduled for two to three days following the egg retrieval

Other new information: NO traveling for at least 10 weeks after the retrieval

I AM READY!

Timelines...timelines...timelines! My life is seriously built around them these days. The good news is my cycle started TODAY. I have never been so happy to get my period and everything that comes with it. I called the Nurse and she called me back about an hour later. There really isn't anything we can do now but she did put me on a new timeline. The exact calendar is in the mail but just as an overview this is what it is looking like...

Wait 20 days....the week of April 15th- blood test, make payment, and begin meds by the end of the week

Week of  May 13th...Egg Retreival during this week

She did remind me before getting off the phone that Nick and I need to use protection from now on. Now, I don't know why I didn't expect this but I guess it hit me. It is a long time between now and May....Yikes!

Now...my list of things to do before I start the medication:

- Look up things I can do to help my body during the process

- Figure out how to eliminate stress

- Cut out Caffeine 

- Reach out to some ladies starting at the same time as me

Consents are Signed

We had our final checklist appointment, met with the doctor, and reviewed all of the consents. He really informed us of the risks, complications, and what we are looking at in terms of a success rate. The success rate he gave us was 65% which I thought was pretty good.  He said the actually risks during the procedure are very small however there is more concern for medical risks such as overstimulated ovaries which would happen while on the meds. He said this is the reason they pay such close attention to the amount of medication given. In our discussion he must have said several times that he is pretty conservative and that his main focus is my health. We found out he typically transfers two embryos since they've had the most success with doing this and unless there are true circumstances it is usually never just one.We also went over the risks of having multiples. Overall he made us feel really comfortable and that the goal is to have a healthy baby with a healthy momma.

Finally, he said we can call with my next period which is due March 31 and get this show on the road. Injections would start on Day 21.

Good news all around!! 

Spring Break Baby!!!

Spring break is here!!! I love, love, love being home. It would be a dream come true to be a Suzy Homemaker or Stay-at-Home Mom. As Nick says, "Keep Dreaming!!" LOL!

Nick and I have been spending the past couple of days catching up on doctors appointments and finalizing things with our mortgage. We starting the refinancing process a couple of months ago and after lots of ups and downs things have worked out pretty well.

Yesterday, we went to see the counselor. She was really nice. I didn't really know what to expect. Nick must have asked me twenty times why we had to go there and what she was looking for but I had no clue. Basically, she asked a lot of questions about our experience so far, how we felt about the process, and worries that we have. She also talked about multiple pregnancies and selective reduction. Overall, she said we seemed pretty calm and that we were on the same page. The one thing she told me was that I need to stop going on the Internet "looking" for information. Good advice, however, I seriously think it has been the one thing that has kept me going for the past year. Now, she needs to type up the 2 page document and send it over to the Doctor.

This morning we went to the doctors for our injection class and financial meeting. (Before I even begin to give the run down...put in your mind the fact that Nick hates needles more than everything. He is a big tough guy and anytime a needle comes on the TV he cringes  and covers his face.)  So anyway, the nurse was great. She gave us the basic run down of the meds and how they would be administered. She showed us how fill the needle and where to inject it on my body. When it came time for the Trigger and Progesterone shot she pretty much was talking directly to Nick since he will be the one giving the shot(or so we think right now). She explained over and over how important the HCG shot is and that it must be given exactly as directed and the time given because it is what makes everything happen for the retrieval. Thinking about that and my husband shaking next to me made me super nervous. The nurse actually let Nick try to out on a cushion and she said I can come in before the shot to get some landing pads drawn on my backside. I think we may be making another trip there when the time gets closer and doing a little more practice.

Tomorrow I am visiting my mom-mom and pop-pop for the day and doing a little shopping. Then on Thursday we have our final meeting with the Doctor to go over the consents. I am hoping my period holds out until after the meeting. It is due on Sunday and hopefully we can start using this cycle. (Fingers crossed!!!!)

Could Be Sooner...

Alright so here it is....I have become truly obsessed with having a baby. While we were saving money, Nick and I planned on calling to start the IVF cycle in May. Made sense since school would be out  in June and things would be a little be more relaxed. Enter... early period...throws my plans off a little bit since all my periods moved up. Husband says, "Well, let's just call in April." Granted it would probably be the last week in April but whatever it was sooner than planned. So, as obsessed as I have become. Looking at dates, when things could happen, I decided to throw the idea out to Nick about calling in March (last week). We will be done all of our appointments on the checklist around this time and I should get my period later in the week. He said, "Let's do it." And now I am so freaking excited.

So...now if everything can just line up just right we could be making a little peanut very soon!!!

Wishing, Hoping, & Praying for 12 days!!!

Progress Baby!!!

Went back for ANOTHER consultation today. I wasn't looking forward to it but, I have to say, it just reminded me why I love the people that work in that office. They are so NICE!!

Anyway, SUPER EXCITED!!! We are back on track. This is the checklist we need to complete before we can call and start a cycle. We have most of the appointments scheduled for the end of the month on our spring break.

49 Days!!!

A Step Forward & A Step Back

Sometimes I get so frustrated.

First, my freaking period started 5 days earlier than I expected. ANNOYING! Doesn't sound like much but I have been planning for a while when we will start our first IVF cycle. Obviously nothing is set in stone until the doctor gives you the plan but I have a little OCD and felt more in control. Anyway, this completely threw me off. Positive...Nick said let's just go a month earlier. EXCITED!

So...I called the doctor today to schedule the last three appointments on our checklist. The checklist we need to complete before we can call to start an IVF cycle. (Mind you...we've had it a year...but there was no way we were going to think about doing anything without the money to do so.) Anyway, I call and the sweetest girl answered. I really do love all the people at the office. But...she gave me some not so great news. Turns out since the initial tests were completed last January we need to have another consultation with the doctor to find out if he wants to have the tests done again. ANNOYING!

Boo!!!

One Year Ago Today

Well...this day last year we went to the fertility doctor for our consultation appointment after all of the initial testing. My tests came back fine but we found out there was a problem with Nick's morphology. MORPH-A-WHAT??? What are the choices??? IVF. It was such a blow to the gut. I know I have said this a zillion times before but we really were thinking all it would take was a little medicine and a little scheduling.

Fast forward 12 months later and we are counting down the days...

67 Days

I LOVE the fact the numbers are getting smaller and smaller. Each day we are getting closer to making a baby of our own. As hard as it is, we are past the disbelief of the path we forced to take and living the moments of a positive experience with IVF.

B.A.B.Y Countdown

Well, well, well...it sure has been a while. Things have changed yet stayed the same. Nick and I have made so much progress in our journey to have a child. I am super excited that we are getting so much closer.

Financially we are at a wonderful spot. Now it's all about timing. The countdown is on...

129 Days : ) 

Baby Journey Catch Up

First, everyone should be warned this is an extremely long post. This is a round up of posts documenting our baby journey so far.

6/25/12

Besides doing projects this summer, Nick and I don't have any major vacations planned. We are on a 12 month plan of SAVING $$$$. I know, very exciting right??!!?? Instead of going away, we are planning some "stay-cations." We have a few ideas up our sleeves to make it fun and relaxing.

The only thing new on our baby journey is that we are in the process of saving money. We decided to make our goal next late spring/early summer. We want to have all money saved and be ready to call the doctor to start IVF next May. We did finally go to our financial appointment last week. It really opened my eyes to the process and the cost. The break down went like this...

1 Retrieval Cycle & 1 Frozen Cycle- $7,500

Anesthesia- $450

Counselor- $110

Medication- Approx: $3000

Pregnancy Ultrasounds- $158 each (Approx 4)

Embryo Storage- $150/every 3 months

Our insurance won't cover ANY of it....not a single thing. It seriously makes me sick looking at the numbers. On a positive note, we also went to talk to our doctor. (At our last consultation, our doctor recommended IVF. This was a serious shock to us. We sat in the office listening to him but not fully understanding.) We had a few questions we wanted answered since the only information we have is anything I have gathered in books and on the Internet.

(These are the general questions we had and summarized answers the doctor gave us based on what I understood he was saying.)

1. Since our problems getting pregnant are due to MFI, we asked if Nick should see a urologist.

The doctor was really against this so the answer was a straight out NO. Basically, he said that there is no need for Nick to undergo anything unnecessary which could possibly cause other problems. 

2. I've had a miscarriage. I asked if he thought this could happen again. 

Since the pregnancy occurred naturally, the embryo was not healthy. However when IVF is done only healthy embryos will be used. He also said based on my test results there should not be any problem once the embryo(s) are transferred.

*One other thing I thought was very interesting was that if by chance we do conceive naturally, we would go to him not my regular ob/gyn to start.

Anyhow, obviously I do not know all the lingo and I am sure there is a more sophisticated way of explaining some of his answers but this is where we are at. We left the doctors actually feeling pretty good. (for once)

Since there isn't much we can do now, Nick and I are calling this the Summer of Fun!!

2/29/12

I woke up Monday morning with a pit of nerves in my stomach. It was the day of our consultation appointment. This was the appointment we had been waiting for. The answers we had prayed for. With all the nerves, I still had a wonderful feeling that we were going to have a baby...soon.

My HSG, blood tests, hormones, and ultra-sound all came back normal. Nick's analysis showed good volume and count; however, the test also showed problems with morphology. From what I understand, this is related to the shape of the sperm. Nick's morphology was at 3%. There it was...our answer...right???

So the question is...where do we go from here and how do we get our baby??? The doctor said IVF was our best bet simply because the sperm could be placed directly into the egg. Could we get pregnant naturally? The possibility is there but the chances are low. 

It was incredibly hard listening to the doctor after he gave us this information, so we have been doing a lot of research online. At moments I felt like I was in a movie as flashes of dollars signs and images of needles entered  my mind. Is this going to be our life...pinching every penny, working extra jobs, and shooting multiple drugs into my body?? Nick and I don't know what our path is exactly yet, but we now have the answers we were looking for. It's time to pray and take it one day at a time.

2/20/12

Alright, for the past month I have been going through the motions of all this testing. We started this process because nothing was happening. We are a young couple who has been together for years. We had a couple of years of not (truly) preventing pregnancy and a year of actually trying to get pregnant then we had one pregnancy which didn't development. I am frustrated and confused. I feel stupid because there are lots of other couples who probably go through the same situation but wait for nature to take its course and everything is fine. I have listened to all of the positive and kind comments and wonderful advice of friends and family...but still feel unsettled. I feel selfish, I want answers, and I want someone to open the door which has our baby waiting for us.

Our doctor is wonderful, he is good at what he does and makes you feel like everything is going to be fine. Today, was the first day I started to worry. I am all about getting the full work up because I feel like that is the only way you can really know what is going on bad or good. OK.... so since the first doctors appointment it was acknowledged that I have a backwards uterus (as the doctor said at our first appointment..."your uterus is very backwards.) Today as I am laying there, in a completely vulnerable position, he goes into start the endometrial biopsy. It was a little tight so it needed to be opened a little more. At this point, the nurse pages through my file and tells the doctor about the backwards uterus. He proceeds with trying to dilate it. The pain was so uncomfortable and began to get worse. Due to the pain the doctor decided to not go any further and did not complete the endometrial biopsy. I asked if not having this information would be a problem. He assured me it would not be "because I am young."

From the moment he finished and I started getting dressed I did not feel right. It's that moment where you are not in a familiar place and you think about where you could go to throw up without making a mess or a scene. That was me. I put on my clothes and tried to breath through it. I went to the desk to make another appointment and by this time my hearing was messed up. I had blurred vision and was seeing spots. My body was clammy and sweaty. What a mess! The nurse had to come out, sit me down, give me water and when it did not get better I was taken into a room to lay down. This wasn't the first time I went through something like this since it is what happens almost every time I get my my period. Never a dull moment.  : (

This is where I am at now. Friends have asked, "what do you want the doctor say?" It is so hard to answer because I don't want there to be something wrong which would prevent us from ever carrying a baby but I can't help hoping that the doctor can give us something concrete. We have our follow up appointment on the 29th so now we continue playing the waiting game.

2/11/12

Nick went for his semen analysis and blood work on Thursday. Poor guy...he truly took one for the team. Other than that we are still waiting for the end of the month to come since trying isn't an option right now because of the tests.

2/8/12

Last Thursday, I had another test done...a hysterosalpingogram or HSG. It is an x-ray of the fallopian tubes and inside of the uterus. I must admit I was freaking out before I got there and laying on the table. The nurse decided to warn me about the cramps you could feel during the procedure. Well, I can't say there were major cramps but the feeling was REALLY uncomfortable. It felt like the worst cramps were coming and the only thing I could do was close my eyes. Thankfully it was fast. I wish the doctor could have given us some type of information after the test because I believe he could see everything. We have to wait until all the tests are finished. Nick is going in tomorrow for his test. A little blood and a little semen analysis.

1/28/12

There hasn't been too much on the home front the past couple of days. Today, was dedicated to CLEANING. Love having a clean house!! Not to mention, loving my amazing hubby for helping me out with the basement and bathroom.

Since I want this to be a place to document our journey to parenthood, today marks the first day my cycle. This month we are going to be going through some testing. I am a ball of mixed emotions. I am once again disappointed with the fact I am not preggers, but hopeful the next few weeks will give use some guidance.