Flashback Friday- Baby Journey Part 1

When I was taking my graduate course one of my professors always said sometimes you need to take a step back in order to move forward. 

One of the reasons I stayed away from this blog was because I felt like I lost the chance to share. Time went by and retelling something that happened so long ago felt wrong. I even actually thought about starting a whole new blog.

After realizing this was completely insane, I decided this is MY place and this is who I am. I can do what ever I want with this. So, for a little while I am going to jump back into time on Fridays and share some of the things that have happened over the past year.

Baby Journey

Back in November 2014 I share our story of miscarriage. Unexpected pregnancy and with unexpected loss. You can read that post here.

In January 2015, I started to write the post below...

Oh the joys of baby making or lack there of. Since mid-November we have been on the roller coaster of dealing with a miscarriage. Getting pregnant naturally was unexpected but the miscarriage was shocking. Emotionally draining, I hoped this time having a planned D&C would make coping with everything easier. Unfortunately this was not the case.

The miscarriage ended up being a little worse then we originally thought, After the D&C, I went in for a post-op. Pieces of the placenta never naturally expelled. The doctor tried to take it out right there in the office but being pretty painful decided to give it another week. 

Another week went by. At this appointment, pieces were still in my uterus and at this point had to be removed to prevent infection and damage. The doctor numbed me up, dilated me, and tried again. This time a little more aggressively. Not fun at all!! He was able to get some more out and sent it to be tested.

About a week later, the beginning of December, I received a call from the nurse. The sample tested showed inflammation. This meant another D&C would have to be done. This surgery was so much more painful than the first.

I went for another post-op. During this visit the ultrasound showed the doctor was able to get everything. He said it was very difficult and was happy he had the ultrasound machine in the operation room. D&Cs are very hard on the uterus but having more than one only weeks apart is terrible. The concern is the build up of scar tissue which could make it hard to carry a baby in the future. The doctor decided to perform a hysteroscopy. This is a test where a scope is placed into the uterus to check out the lining. It can be slightly painful and since I have a pretty low pain tolerance we decided it would be done with some anesthesia. 

For about a month, I was on estrogen, antibiotic, then on the last week progesterone only.  

Post-Miscarriage..  

After the miscarriage, I went through pretty bad depression. I struggled to be in a place that was happy and content.  I struggled to be a good mom emotionally for Harper. Many nights I held her and just cried. It was so unfair to her. Their was also wall of tension between my husband and I that Nick was constantly trying to knock down.

At a certain point something shifted and I finally had control of my heart again. I can't really explained what happened but I was able to move forward. Nick and I decided to think about pregnancy again in the summer of 2015 and move on with the embryo transfer that we had planned on doing since the beginning. In the mean time, I decided to focus on myself, my husband, and my baby.

Miscarriage

I struggled with deciding if this was a post I needed to share. It captures nothing but real life heartbreak and grief. In the end, I decided I needed to do this for myself. If you have experienced anything like this hopefully you can relate to my experience.

October 11, 2014

Isn't life funny??? You can spend years trying to do something, get something, or be someone and the moment you throw your hands up and say "screw it, I just don't care"...it happens.

Ever since I had Harper my period cycles have been irregular. One month it would be 30 days and the next I'm waiting 34-36. The longer months play a trick on your mind. During these months you think...Am I pregnant?? It would never fail, on day 35, I would take a test and every month it would say NOT PREGNANT in huge letters. Disappointed??...no not really. Although Nick and I have been trying, we are SO happy and content with our little peanut. Things are awesome and our plan is to do a frozen transfer in June.

Well, here I am, in that longer month. I decided I am not going to let this long cycle play mind games with me. I took the test early, ready to see the NOT PREGNANT, and move on with my life. Woke up Saturday, about to get in the shower, and peed on the last test. The water wouldn't warm up so I took a look at the test....PREGNANT!! (OMG!) How did this happen? I mean I know how it happened. I guess I just didn't think it was possible. I picked up two more tests, of course, just to make sure and both came out in bright blue plus signs.

Nick and I are seriously shocked...cautiously optimistic...and a little nervous. We are planners and have had the luxury of doing a lot of planning when it came to the timing of our baby girl. This is very interesting; so, as I sit here writing I am still trying to wrap my head around it.

Nick and I decided to stay with our fertility specialist for the first trimester again since we aren't sure how things are going to go. We will be monitored a lot closer here with regular ultrasounds. My first appointment was on October 13th. They did a blood test. Beta levels were 314 (the nurse said this was perfect) and my progesterone was 29.

Next Appointment: October 22nd- bloodwork and ultrasound

Still can't believe this!!!

October 22, 2014

We had an ultrasound and blood test today. I am still very shocked about this pregnancy so I went into the ultrasound pretty much not knowing what I was going to see. The nurse said based on my last period my due date would be June 17th and put me at about 6 weeks.

The ultrasound didn't show much of the actual baby but we saw the sac in the correct place (in the uterus) and the yolk was also visible. The doctor said everything looked very earlier but right where things should be. My blood test number came back HCG 5236. Our nurse said this was great.

October 29, 2014

We had another ultrasound today. I told the doctor and nurse I didn't have any symptoms SO I was having a hard time believing that I was pregnant. Well, once the doctor started the ultrasound it wasn't too long before the doctor was saying,  "well, my dear....believe it!" There, on the screen, was a little blip. It was a heart beat. Still so tiny. The heartbeat was 119 which the doctor said was great. They usually look for over 100. I was originally thought to be 7 weeks but based on the size the doctor changed my progression to 6 weeks and made my new due date June 25th.

Everything looked excellent and the doctor said to come back in two weeks for another check. : )

November 12, 2014

We had another ultrasound today. The doctor came in, began the ultrasound, and on the screen I saw what looked like a blob. In my mind I stared thinking at what was suppose to be 8 weeks. It wasn't very developed. The doctor began to do some measurements and I stared hard looking for the little blip of a heartbeat. He measured the baby and it said 7 weeks 1 day. At that point I knew.

The doctor apologizes. "I'm sorry hun. There's no heartbeat." My hearts stops and nothing really holds back the tears. He says this is natures way of of taking care of something that is not developing properly. My mind filled with a million thoughts. One being...I can't believe this is happening again. Why would God do this to us??Another being...God blessed us with a perfect beautiful baby girl. That should be enough. And yet another...how do I apologize to my husband enough about this...feeling like this was all my fault.

We went to pre-admission and set up a D&E that would be completed the following day. We had a choice of waiting or having the procedure but I had already experienced my body taking care of a miscarriage the first time and it was the most physically and emotionally painful event of my life. We also decided to go with the procedure because we wanted to have testing done to see if there was a chromosomal abnormality that would be causing the miscarriage in a natural pregnancy. 

November 13, 2014

At 7:30 we went to the hospital. Got checked in. Went into surgery at 9:00.  And all was said and done by 9:05. ...that was the end. 

What I have learned about miscarriage is, if you have never experienced it, you never understand the true feeling. Sure, people think it's really sad...they try to comfort you...give you the "awwww" but it really sounds like a gentle "better luck next time" or "at least it was still early."

This is the truth and this is what I want the reader to understand. Miscarriage f-ing sucks. I am confused, sad, frustrated, disappointed, guilty, and frankly REALLY pissed. I just had the most amazing highs and joys of being pregnant and the excruciating pain of loss in a matter of weeks. It honestly feels like I lost a piece of myself. I feel empty. And in moments when the room is quiet, I start thinking about the future. What does this mean for our family?  

I have the most amazing little girl. She is our MIRACLE! I love her with every part of my being and I thank God every single day for her. Being a mother is everything to me and absolutely nothing has changed there. There is that question, which now hangs over my head,...will this be my only child?? Time will tell but when that choice to have children is not exactly in your hands and not something you can control it changes you. It makes you realize that you can't take the miracle of pregnancy for granted and frustrates you when people do. 

Nick and I have been blessed with many people in our lives that show us amazing support and we feel incredibly blessed. Without these friends and family...support system...the healing would be so much harder. For that we are GRATEFUL!

Day by day things will get easier. We are so thankful for all of our blessings and pray that we get answers very soon.