4dp3dt- Confession

The past few days have been the absolute worst. Wednesday was the first day I finally felt back to my old self after the egg retrieval. However, the negative is that, I haven't felt anything. I have no idea what is going on inside of me. I have heard of the 2 week wait being terrible but seriously this amount of time has a way of playing terrible tricks.

It's really hard to explain how I am feeling but I am going to try for the sake of documenting and some how getting it off my chest. The desire to be a mom is something I feel deep within in me. I've had this feeling ever since I can remember. I pictured growing up as a child, getting married, and having a big family. Never did I imagine the journey I would be taking to reach that dream. The one thing I have been told by the doctor since the beginning is that the chance of not getting pregnant are small since I was pregnant before and our biggest obstacle was the sperm fertilizing the egg. Well, that first hurtle was jumped on May 18th. Now these two beautiful embryos are inside of me AND I am doing my very best to take care of them. But, honestly, I don't know what to do. I've been taking care of myself with activity choices, diet, rest, etc but I have no signs of anything actually going on. As positive as I try to stand everyday, there is always the growing fear that something is going wrong or not working. I HATE being like that. I HATE not feeling like I am going to get bad news.

I completely blame this on the miscarriage. Why did that have to happen? Many women get pregnant and have no sense of what it feels like to have problems in a pregnancy. No sense in what it feel like to lose something that is part of you. For a very long time I thought I came to an understanding but now I realize it has forever tainted something that should be pure and exciting. I am now filled with constant worry and a sense of not believing when all I want to do is BELIEVE that everything is going to be okay. Every night I pray that the two little embies find a place, that they will remain strong and grow, grow, grow. Everyday I rubbed my belly envisioning what it could feel like in a few months.

But I am so scared.

Do other people feel this way? Am I setting myself up?