Miscarriage

I struggled with deciding if this was a post I needed to share. It captures nothing but real life heartbreak and grief. In the end, I decided I needed to do this for myself. If you have experienced anything like this hopefully you can relate to my experience.

October 11, 2014

Isn't life funny??? You can spend years trying to do something, get something, or be someone and the moment you throw your hands up and say "screw it, I just don't care"...it happens.

Ever since I had Harper my period cycles have been irregular. One month it would be 30 days and the next I'm waiting 34-36. The longer months play a trick on your mind. During these months you think...Am I pregnant?? It would never fail, on day 35, I would take a test and every month it would say NOT PREGNANT in huge letters. Disappointed??...no not really. Although Nick and I have been trying, we are SO happy and content with our little peanut. Things are awesome and our plan is to do a frozen transfer in June.

Well, here I am, in that longer month. I decided I am not going to let this long cycle play mind games with me. I took the test early, ready to see the NOT PREGNANT, and move on with my life. Woke up Saturday, about to get in the shower, and peed on the last test. The water wouldn't warm up so I took a look at the test....PREGNANT!! (OMG!) How did this happen? I mean I know how it happened. I guess I just didn't think it was possible. I picked up two more tests, of course, just to make sure and both came out in bright blue plus signs.

Nick and I are seriously shocked...cautiously optimistic...and a little nervous. We are planners and have had the luxury of doing a lot of planning when it came to the timing of our baby girl. This is very interesting; so, as I sit here writing I am still trying to wrap my head around it.

Nick and I decided to stay with our fertility specialist for the first trimester again since we aren't sure how things are going to go. We will be monitored a lot closer here with regular ultrasounds. My first appointment was on October 13th. They did a blood test. Beta levels were 314 (the nurse said this was perfect) and my progesterone was 29.

Next Appointment: October 22nd- bloodwork and ultrasound

Still can't believe this!!!

October 22, 2014

We had an ultrasound and blood test today. I am still very shocked about this pregnancy so I went into the ultrasound pretty much not knowing what I was going to see. The nurse said based on my last period my due date would be June 17th and put me at about 6 weeks.

The ultrasound didn't show much of the actual baby but we saw the sac in the correct place (in the uterus) and the yolk was also visible. The doctor said everything looked very earlier but right where things should be. My blood test number came back HCG 5236. Our nurse said this was great.

October 29, 2014

We had another ultrasound today. I told the doctor and nurse I didn't have any symptoms SO I was having a hard time believing that I was pregnant. Well, once the doctor started the ultrasound it wasn't too long before the doctor was saying,  "well, my dear....believe it!" There, on the screen, was a little blip. It was a heart beat. Still so tiny. The heartbeat was 119 which the doctor said was great. They usually look for over 100. I was originally thought to be 7 weeks but based on the size the doctor changed my progression to 6 weeks and made my new due date June 25th.

Everything looked excellent and the doctor said to come back in two weeks for another check. : )

November 12, 2014

We had another ultrasound today. The doctor came in, began the ultrasound, and on the screen I saw what looked like a blob. In my mind I stared thinking at what was suppose to be 8 weeks. It wasn't very developed. The doctor began to do some measurements and I stared hard looking for the little blip of a heartbeat. He measured the baby and it said 7 weeks 1 day. At that point I knew.

The doctor apologizes. "I'm sorry hun. There's no heartbeat." My hearts stops and nothing really holds back the tears. He says this is natures way of of taking care of something that is not developing properly. My mind filled with a million thoughts. One being...I can't believe this is happening again. Why would God do this to us??Another being...God blessed us with a perfect beautiful baby girl. That should be enough. And yet another...how do I apologize to my husband enough about this...feeling like this was all my fault.

We went to pre-admission and set up a D&E that would be completed the following day. We had a choice of waiting or having the procedure but I had already experienced my body taking care of a miscarriage the first time and it was the most physically and emotionally painful event of my life. We also decided to go with the procedure because we wanted to have testing done to see if there was a chromosomal abnormality that would be causing the miscarriage in a natural pregnancy. 

November 13, 2014

At 7:30 we went to the hospital. Got checked in. Went into surgery at 9:00.  And all was said and done by 9:05. ...that was the end. 

What I have learned about miscarriage is, if you have never experienced it, you never understand the true feeling. Sure, people think it's really sad...they try to comfort you...give you the "awwww" but it really sounds like a gentle "better luck next time" or "at least it was still early."

This is the truth and this is what I want the reader to understand. Miscarriage f-ing sucks. I am confused, sad, frustrated, disappointed, guilty, and frankly REALLY pissed. I just had the most amazing highs and joys of being pregnant and the excruciating pain of loss in a matter of weeks. It honestly feels like I lost a piece of myself. I feel empty. And in moments when the room is quiet, I start thinking about the future. What does this mean for our family?  

I have the most amazing little girl. She is our MIRACLE! I love her with every part of my being and I thank God every single day for her. Being a mother is everything to me and absolutely nothing has changed there. There is that question, which now hangs over my head,...will this be my only child?? Time will tell but when that choice to have children is not exactly in your hands and not something you can control it changes you. It makes you realize that you can't take the miracle of pregnancy for granted and frustrates you when people do. 

Nick and I have been blessed with many people in our lives that show us amazing support and we feel incredibly blessed. Without these friends and family...support system...the healing would be so much harder. For that we are GRATEFUL!

Day by day things will get easier. We are so thankful for all of our blessings and pray that we get answers very soon. 

Happy Halloween!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Little Harper's first halloween. A month full of pumpkins, apples, tricks, and of course tons of treats.

Happy Eight Months!- 10-19-2014

Happy 8 Months to Our Beautiful Girl!!

Age: 8 months

Weight: 19.9 lbs

Milestones:

• First tooth 10/4
• Second tooth 10/11
• Pushes a walker on her own
• Stands for a few seconds at a time
• Plays phone with everything
• Claps
• Says "da-da" and "buh-buh"

Sleep:

Bedtime routine continues to be the same. Most nights Harper sleeps 7:00-6:30. 

Harper woke up many of the nights this month due to teething. She would either want a bottle, cuddle time, or lost her Bink.

Mommy's Favorite Moment:

Wow! Harper continues to amaze me. She is really growing up fast. This month she has mastered the art of crawling as fast as she can and is starting to stand on her own. It is so much fun watching her explore everything in the house. Harper now knows where the Rubbermaid cabinet is and loves to dump them out when we are making dinner.

Daddy's Favorite Moment:

My favorite moments from this month were Harper's first trips to Linvilla and picking out her first pumpkin at the pumpkin patch. She learned how to clap and now when you say happy baby, she claps and smiles.  She's moving around so fast and starting to walk behind her walking toys, she's going to be walking on her own in no time.  She seriously has no fear and will try and climb all over daddy...or anything else that is in her way. 

Health:

Harper had a little cold this month. We thought she might of had pink eye but it just ended up being gunk from a cold she was getting. It was the first time we had to keep her home from school. She ended up getting a cough and runny nose which lasted a little over a week. 

Eating:

Bottles- 8 ounces with 4 scoops of rice. Usually she gets an 8oz. bottle at 9:00, 1:30,  and 7:00. Then, a 4-6oz. bottle when she wake up and when we get home from work (before dinner). If she wakes in the middle of the night, she'll usually take a 4 ounce bottle.

Solid- Eats all types of mixes from Earth's Best, Plum, and Ella. She eat fruits, veggies, grains, and meats from breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Snacks usually include teething biscuits, puffs, and Gerber crunchies.

Things I Want to Remember:

• First trip to Linvilla Orchards and saw animals and took pictures on the pumpkins.
• Went fall clothes shopping- Size 9-12 months
• Wear size 3 diapers
• Loves to watch mommy get ready in the morning. Harper loves the blow dryer and playing with mommy's velcro rollers and brushes.
• Loves to raid the refrigerator.
• Drinks from a sippy cup like a champ.
• We decorated for Halloween.
• We went pumpkin picking at Ramsey's Farm. 

Happy Seven Months!! - 9-19-2014

HAPPY 7 MONTHS 

TO OUR HAPPY BABY!!!

Age: 7 months

Weight: 18.2 lbs

Height: 26 in

Milestones:

• Harper is crawling everywhere!!!
• She pulls herself up and stands on anything.
• Standing in the crib...we had to lower it.
• Loves sensory play!!
• Fake coughs and sneezes.
• Eating stage 2 & 3 food with meats....and enjoying teething cookies and puffs.
• Teething has started.
• Harper started daycare full-time.
• First word..."da-da"
• Does SO BIG!...throwing both of her arms into the air

Sleep:

We had some leaps and set backs this month. Harper started waking up again during the night for a bottle. Sometimes we can get her to go back to sleep but most of the time she wants a little something to eat. 

On a positive note, daycare has her on a GREAT schedule and naps are going awesome. She takes on in the morning for about 45 minute- 1 hour and an afternoon nap for 1- hours.

Mommy's Favorite Moment:

It was so hard going back to work so every minute we have together I just soak up. This month i have been amazed with how much she is moving. She literally chases us around the house!! It cracks me up listening to her as she crawls and yells.

I also love the sweet moments we have together when I pick her up from day care. Her eyes light up and she get me these huge kisses!!!

Daddy's Favorite Moment:

My favorite thing from this month is how fast Harper has picked up crawling.  She's everywhere!! Melts my heart when she crawls over to me, grabs my legs, pulls herself up and wants me to pick her up.  I also like watching her and Brodie play. She chases him and takes his toys...he runs away and gets made she has them.  It's funny to see how their relationship has changed now that she's moving! 

She also has "da da" down.  She'll say it whenever you say it to her and she'll look for me when she hears it.  Whenever she sees me coming she yells for her "da da". 

Health:

On August 21, Harper had her first stomach bug. We are so thankful it came and went without any problems. She threw up through the night. We started her on pedilyte that night and snuggled for most of the next day.

On September 11th, Harper started to shows signs of a little cold. During that week she wasn't sleeping, and on this day she had a fever of 101. Luckily this went away and she was only left with a runny nose. Since it was so fast we are thinking it was related to teething. 

First bruise/boo-boo...with all of the crawling and pulling herself up, Harper has become a little risk taker. in one of her attempts to stand up, she fell and knocked her cheek on a stool. 

Eating:

Bottles- Formula: Up and Up Sensitive, 6-8 ounces every 3-4 hours with 1 Tablespoon for every 2 ounce of formula

Solid- Oatmeal with Fruit for breakfast, Veggie and/or Fruit for lunch, Meat with veggie mix for dinner. Snacks- puffs, teething cookies.

Things I Want to Remember:

• Harper is wearing 6 month, 9 month, and some 12 month clothes and size 3 diapers.
• First sleep over with mom-mom and pop-pop.
• Started daycare full-time and is doing great. Making friends and learning something new everyday.
• BBQ at mom-mom and pop-pop Knotts's on Labor day. Tried first ear of corn.
• Aunt Meri, Uncle Brandon, Alyssa, and Arihanna came over, played and had dinner with us.
• Uncle Rob babysat me for the first time all by himself for a little bit when mommy had to back to work.
• Sitting in the stroller like a big girl!!!

Happy SIX Months!! - 8-19-14

Happy 6 Months Peanut Butter!!!

It's Your Half Birthday!!

*Excuse the terrible photo. This was really tough to get.

Age: 6 months

Weight: 17.6 lbs- 72%

Height: 25 in- 16%

Milestones:

• Harper is sitting up completely on her own.
• She scoots around flawlessly on her belly & spins around 360 degrees to get where she wants to go. You can often find her half way under the television stand!!
• Harper gets up on all fours, crawling position, and rocks back and forth.
• She is eating pureed fruits, veggies, and cereal for breakfast and dinner.
• All sleeping is done inside her crib- 12 hours at night and 3-4 30 minute naps during the day.
• Ticklish on her toes and belly!!
• Loves to splash in the bathtub!
• Harper has understanding that clothing goes over her head so anytime she has a shirt, sock, hat, or pants she tries to put them over her head. lol!
• She also likes to cover her face with a blanket to play peek-a-boo. It's hilarious!!

                  

Sleep:

Well....my baby girl is a ROCKSTAR when it comes to sleeping at night. We have a great night time routine. Bath, books, bottle, and bed. She has consistently gone down at 7:00 but as days get busier she gets tired around 6:30. Harper will sleep through the night and will only stir if she needs her binki. 

Day time sleeping is completely in the crib. Harper will take 3-4 naps during the day. Usually 9:00, 11:00, 1:00, and 4:00. It seems like her body knows what 30 minutes feels like because she will wake up on the dot!!

Mommy's Favorite Moment:

We enjoyed our summer and I loved every minute of watching Harper experience new things. Baby pool swimming, bubbles, art projects, and our FIRST trip to the zoo!!! We took Harper to the Philadelphia and Plumpton Park Zoo. She loved looking at the animals but also people watching. 

My favorite thing she has learned to do is give kisses. Harper will grabbed my face and plant a big open mouth kiss on my cheek. Melts my heart!!!!!

Daddy's Favorite Moment:

My favorite part of this month is how aware she has become.  I love going into her room in the morning after she wakes up.  She looks up from her crib and smiles and then rolls over to her back and reaches for your hand.  She also has such a big smile on her face when I get home from work or practice.  Such a great feeling after missing her all day!

Health:

Harper woke up one night very hot but did not have a fever. She was very restless, and cranky all day and so we decided to call the doctor. After 24 hours, she seemed to be fine. It was odd. We can only chalk it up to teething or fighting off a bug. 

Hardly spits up anymore.

Eating:

Bottles- Formula: Up and Up Sensitive, 4-6 ounces every 3-4 hours with 1 Tablespoon for every 2 ounce of formula

Solid- Oatmeal with Fruit for breakfast and a Veggie and/or Fruit for dinner

• banana
• avocado
• mango
• green beans
• peas
• apples
• squash
• sweet potato
• pears
• peaches
• mashed potato

Things I Want to Remember:

• Harper is wearing 6 month and 9 month clothes and size 3 diapers.
• Went to Stoller Strides with mommy every morning and spent time with new friends.
• Went to Philadelphia Zoo with Mommy and Daddy.
• Went to Plumpton Park Zoo with Mommy, Daddy, Uncle Brandon, Aunt Meri, Alyssa, and Arihanna.
• Went out to dinner with Mommy and Daddy for the first time- Ruby's Diner.
• Visited Great Mom-mom and Pop-pop. We went shopping and ate lunch at Olive Garden. Harper loves playing with Pop-pop's cane!!
• Went to daycare for the first time and did great!
• Spent time with Mom-mom and Pop-pop Knotts on Sundays. - played on the swing, sat outside, went in a walker
• Loves playing in the Jump-a-roo
• Went out shopping and ran errands with daddy for the first time.
• Went to the park with mommy and daddy and played on the swings, slide, and a big purple dinosaur.

Happy Five Months!!- 7-19-14

Happy 5 Months Pretty Girl!!

Age: 5 months

Weight: 16.8 lbs

Height: 24 in

Milestones:

Wow! I feel like this month Harper has grown up before our eyes. She has really learned a lot and is doing so much!!

• Harper is sitting up. She wobbles just a little bit, especially if she gets distracted but for the most part she can sit without any support for periods of time.
• Laughs and giggles can be heard throughout the day. She laughs and laughs at words that begin with "b" and "p" but also when you give her kisses on her feet.
• Harper sleeps 11-12 hours without waking in her crib. She has also said goodbye to the sleep sack.
• At about 4.5 months, Harper got back to rolling from her tummy to back. Now she rolls all over the place.
• Harper has been putting weight on her legs for a while now but you can tell as you hold her hands that she is getting better balance.
• Anything and everything goes in her mouth!! I think she is going to give her daddy a nervous breakdown.
• Harper is scooting on her belly. She really wants to crawl but has not yet mastered the coordination. While she is moving around a little bit, she is also holding herself up in what looks like a plank and superman.
• She is holding her own bottle now.
• I am also starting to hear some consonant sounds.
• Harper also likes to make raspberries and give lots of kisses!! 

Sleep:

Harper gets a bath at 7:00 p.m. We put on pjs right after and read a book in the rocker. Then, she drinks a bottle and 99% of the time she passes right out in the rocker. I usually rock her a little longer, then lay her down in the crib. She loves to sleep on her side and tummy.

The beginning of the month consisted of 4 naps during the day. As the month progressed we have been working on moving naps to the crib. It has been a tough process. We have done a few but they are usually super short. I also think we are transitioning to less nap times...possibly morning and afternoon.

Mommy's Favorite Moment:

Oh my goodness!!! My girl is growing up! It has been amazing watching her learn so many new things this month. She is definitely my little mover and shaker.

This month little Harper had a very special moment. She was baptized on July 13th. My little peanut was beautiful in her white dress. She was blessed by the pastor, the congregation sang a special song to her, then we celebrated with friends and family at mom-mom and pop-pop Knotts's. I was a very proud mama!!

   

Daddy's Favorite Moment:

Seeing Harper's face the first time she had oatmeal.  It took her a little while to figure out what to do with the food in her mouth, but she got the hang of it.  Also, I am totally impressed with how well she is doing with sitting up, rolling over, and how far she pushes her upper body up with her arms when she's on her belly.  The best part of every morning is when you go in to get her out of her crib.  She looks at you and giggles and smiles.  Such a happy baby. 

Health:

Still spitting up : ( ...but no major health concerns.

Eating:

This gorgeous girl is on to bigger and better things. We have started SOLIDS!!! We knew it was time. Harper had great control over her body...sitting with support then sitting on her own, pushing herself up onto her arms, and of course eyeing up every piece of food I stick in my mouth.

We started with oatmeal once a day for a week then twice a day for a week. She did great and loves it! Then we started to introduce veggies following the 3-4 day rule. So far she's had squash (not a fan), sweet potatoes (had to mix it with cereal), and green beans (LOVED). Since she is only 4 months the doctor said feeding her now is more to teach her how to eat rather than for the nutrients. (They are still coming from the bottle.) With that being said, we do cereal for breakfast and the veggie for dinner.

Harper still takes a bottle every 3-4 hours. We use Target Up & Up Sensitive brand and really love it. Throughout the day she takes 4 ounce bottles and a 6 ounce bottle before bed. We tried increasing the ounces but it was too much on her tummy.

Things I Want to Remember:

• Harper is wearing 3 month and 3-6 month clothes and size 2 diapers.
• Started going to a workout class with mommy. Harper has met lots of friends and loves playtime on the mat, story time, and all the arts and crafts.
• Went to her first birthday party and sat on a pony!!
• Harper had her first experience in a swing and loved it. We are looking forward to mom-mom and pop-pop Knotts putting up a swing at their house.
• We went swimming with Granny, Aunt Meri, Alyssa, Arihanna, Mommy, and Daddy at Aunt Marg's house. Harper was a little unsure. Mommy and Daddy bought her a new bathing suit, float, and of course a new pair of shades.
• 4th of July!!! We didn't make the fireworks but Harper went to her first bbq.
• Baptism- July 13th ~ Aunt Ci-Ci and Uncle Mike came to visit. 
• Harper has graduated to actually sitting in the stroller instead of the infant car seat.