Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Breastfeeding Diary

From the moment Nick and I decided we were going to have a baby, I had plans. I knew that I wanted to breastfeed and only breastfeed. I didn’t want to supplement or use any formula. I wanted to wait to bottle feed for at least a month and I was adamant about having that initial bonding time after the birth to bring her to the breast.


Well….as they say, things don’t always work out the way you plan. With all the hustle and bustle after Harper was born we didn’t really have “bonding time.” I told the NICU doctor I wanted to breastfeed only. The doctor was pretty understanding of this and did not give me a hard time but did say, "if you have a fever you will not be able to come into the NICU so you may have to pump." Things were a little hazy after I had the baby since it literally felt like a million things were going on and I was just watching from the outside. I might have freaked out my nurse slightly when I just about jumped out of the bed I was in after I delivered Harper, just so I could get to the postpartum room and pump some breast milk. Thankfully, once I was safe and sound in a room I found out I didn't have a fever so I could go into the NICU. : ) I sat down for the first time in a little rocking chair and held my baby for only the second time. I lifted my shirt and put her to my breast just like you would think. I tried to replicate everything I had read and seen about breastfeeding in the past few months. 

HA! Well, a little something people don't tell you. Something that is so natural is not so natural. It's hard getting on the same page with the baby. I was determined to make this work. Every three hours I went down to the NICU and fed her. I had an amazing nurse who taught me different positions but I was never really able to maneuver Harper on my own. Everyone would say, "wow, she has a great latch." She was gaining weight each day so I thought...I GOT THIS!!! 

We went got home, I was ready to do everything I was taught in the hospital. We arrived home late in the evening. Tired and exhausted I tried to feed Harper. I tried...she declined. Over and over again until this high strung, tired mommy became frustrated and burst into tears. Harper was up all night crying and crying. I tried to feed her but she did not want to latch on. I blame myself because she did it fine in the hospital but I never really put her on by myself. Poor little girl was starving by morning and since we weren't going to use formula we didn't have any in the house.

We went to the pediatrician the next morning, of course she was not at birth weight, so the doctor gave us samples of formula. This was a kick in the gut but I was so sleep deprived and I just wanted to give this baby what she needed. I was still determined to give her breast milk so I refused to use any type of bottle. instead we would feed our new born baby with a syringe. A freaking syringe with a substance that was not from me!

We called a lactation consultant that same day and met with her. As she sat down with us Harper latched onto the left breast without a problem (once again with help from the consultant not on my own) but she wasn't really interested in the right side. The consultant gave us a nipple guard and from that day I started using it on both sides. It was working. I could put her on and she would drink. I also starting pumping so we could use some of the breast milk in a bottle with the formula.

I thought we were on the up swing but the scale did not agree. Harper wasn't losing weight but she still was not up to her birth weight. We decided to give Harper a bottle of formula in the evening. Days later we were in the same situation...nipple guard, not at birth weight...so we added in a bottle of formula during the day. I also continued to pump but my supply was low. I suspect because Harper was not latching directly on and helping me to produce.

The amount of guilt I felt about not being able to do something so natural that so many people do sent me downhill. I cried daily and apologized over and over again to my husband.

I kept waiting for things to improve. I tried everything everyone told us. Then one day I felt a lump in my left breast. A hard lump. A clogged milk duct. I tried to get rid of it. Tried to latch Harper on...pump every two hours...push it out...warm compressed. It only grew and ended up getting infected. Mastitis.

I had a high fever which put me in bed. I kept trying to get Harper to latch but at the same time she started to refuse the nipple guard altogether and getting her to latch onto my breast was nearly impossible. I decided to start exclusively pumping.

By the time I got into the doctors the lump was the size of a golf ball. I was put on antibiotics and sent to get an ultrasound a few days after. I went to the ultrasound and the radiologist sent me right to a breast surgeon. The mastitis had turned into an abscess and had to be drained. It was so bad the doctor decided to put me under to drained out the infection. The doctor made a one inch incision, drained, cleaned out the area, and covered it up. For the next few weeks, the open cut drained and drained. I had to recover it and apply warm compresses 3 times a days. For the first few days I was on pain killers which meant anything I pumped had to be dumped. I was also still on the antibiotic. As the days went by and my breast was healing, I really tried to keep things going with the pumping but the amount of milk became less and less each day.

One day I woke up and realized Harper was drinking 95% formula and my life was being ruled by a breast pump. I knew it was time to let go. So I did.

This was not what I had planned and definitely not how I wanted things to work out. I wish I could have breast fed Harper as I had planned for her first year of life but I am happy and finally as ease with the outcome. She is a beautiful, happy, and incredible little girl!!

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